What We Run From - Part 1: Fear of Rejection
Fear of not being liked, not being chosen, not being enough and how that quietly drives so much of what we do.
Why is this topic first? This is number one for me. My biggest, deepest fear has always been rejection, more specifically not being liked.
What This Looks Like
It shows up in a lot of different ways.
Fear of not being liked. Being told no. Being humiliated. Being left. Not being seen.
And the list goes on.
I’m not a counselor. I’m an addict. This is from my experience, strength, and hope.
It usually starts early. Sure, it often begins when we’re kids, but we carry it straight into adulthood.
We learn to read the room.
What gets approval.
What gets ignored.
What gets rejected.
So we adjust.
We say what works.
We hide what doesn’t.
We become what gets us accepted.
That doesn’t go away. It follows us into adulthood and drives more than we want to admit.
"There's this constant pressure underneath everything."
A need to be liked.
To not say the wrong thing.
To not be too much or not enough.
To be accepted, chosen, included.
It shows up in small moments:
- Replaying conversations
- Second guessing what you said
- Wondering how you came across
- Trying to read people’s reactions
- Adjusting yourself depending on who you’re around
- Being the one talking too much and mostly about themselves, seeking validation. Yep, that's me.
It’s subtle, but it’s always there.
And it gets exhausting.
So we look for relief. That one trusted thing we can always turn to and never be rejected.
We turn to the comfort of our drug.
It feels safer. It feels controlled. It gives temporary relief from that pressure.
"For me, that was sex. I felt wanted, accepted, validated, connected and whole."
That comfort, although temporary, is a big reason we stay stuck.
It works just enough to keep us coming back.
We hide parts of ourselves because we are afraid of what will happen if people really see us.
That fear sounds like this.
“If you really knew me, you would not want me. You would not accept me. You would back away.”
And that feels personal. Like it is just you. Sorry to break it to you but it's not.
Research shows that roughly 80 to 95 percent of people have intrusive or unwanted thoughts they would feel embarrassed or ashamed to share.
95%!!!
We spend so much time trying to hide we forget we are only human and part of the human race.
I'll say it again 95%!
So the lie says you are the only one.
The lie says your shame proves there is something uniquely wrong with you.
The lie says if people saw all of you, rejection would be automatic.
"And that's the lie."
Here is the truth.
- Most people are hiding something
- Most people feel shame about parts of themselves
- Most people are afraid of being fully seen
- Your fear of rejection feels personal, but it is not unique
That is not bad news. That is hopeful news.
Because if the lie is that you are alone,
then the truth is that connection starts when you stop believing it.
"You are not alone."
This is a big topic in and of itself. Look for a post called "If You Only Knew..." coming soon.
We obsess. We isolate. We feel fake.
Shame tells us there’s something wrong with us that we must hide.
We show one version of ourselves while inside we are starving for connection.
So we go back to the comfort of our drug.
Because it feels easier than risking rejection.
For me, childhood stuff. Messages that stuck and no one corrected.
But I had to accept something.
I cannot change that.
I can change what I do now.
I am powerless over my addiction, but I am far from helpless.
And it starts with one small step.
Through counseling, step work, and time, things started to change.
The fear is still there. It’s just quieter now.
Awareness helps interrupt the thought process and creates a gap for the truth to settle in.
Then I can leave it behind and move on.
No more constant noise.
Less second guessing.
I’m learning when to shut up and just listen.
Being afraid all the time made me self-centered, even selfish.
Now I’m learning to really listen. Active listening.
It’s actually exciting. Getting to know people this way.
I'm even discovering things about people already in my life that I just never took the time to ask.
I’m participating in relationships now instead of standing on the outside yelling, “See me.”
"Buckle up Buttercup"
You are not unique in this.
Your fear of rejection is not unique. Your thoughts are not unique. Your shame is not unique.
What is unique is how long you are willing to stay stuck in it.
No one is coming to fix this for you.
Your addiction is not protecting you. It is numbing you and hurting those closest to you.
It is keeping you small, disconnected, and stuck in the exact thing you say you do not want.
You say you want connection, but you choose comfort.
You say you want honesty, but you keep hiding.
You say you are afraid of rejection, but you reject yourself first.
"That is the truth."
And here is the other side of it.
You can change.
You are not stuck unless you choose to stay stuck.
It will be uncomfortable. You will feel exposed. It will feel risky.
But that is where connection actually starts.
"Walking into that first meeting was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. But man, am I glad I did."
What are you actually afraid of?
What would really happen if it came true?
Would it hurt? Yes.
Would it destroy you? Probably not.
Face it, you already made it through hard things just carrying what you're carrying.
And you can do it again without running back to the drug.
And even if you have trouble seeing it, the load you carry when walking through, rather than running from, is much, much lighter.
And you just might find the people you were afraid would reject you, actually lean in and love you all the more.
Connection. Community. Higher power.
Do the work. Follow a sponsor. Take the next step.
Over time you stop obeying fear.
You just keep going.
"It starts with one small step. That's all."
Check out the resources below.
If things feel heavy or out of control, you don’t have to handle it alone.
If you are in immediate distress, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Free and confidential support is available 24/7.
If you are struggling with addiction and need support:
- SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
- National Drug Helpline: 1-844-289-0879
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911 right now.
Or reach out to a recovery community. Talking to someone who understands can make a real difference.